With all of the changes I’ve encountered since the start of 2012 I really haven’t had a lot to celebrate leading up to today. I’m thankful and Blessed for a lot of things but for some reason turning 42 seems a lot different than turning 41. It’s not an “age” thing if anything I just realize that I’m another year removed from a lot of things set into motion last year. So when I look back, which is something I hate to admit, to acknowledge those failures they trigger negative energies leading to a depressive disposition. For the first time I can honestly say that I feel “defeated” and somewhat dejected!
Why Defeated?
Let me say that although it’s a hard emotion to deal with feeling defeated is nothing new as I’ve embraced it as something that’s expected when sacraficing for something. So I’m not at a point to where I’m contemplating doing anything harmful to myself. If anything I’m forced to come to grips with the reality of my situation. A reality that basically states that I’m so vested into my dreams and bringing them to fruition that I can’t turn back. The other reality is that because I’ve spent so much time and energy in pursuing my dreams that I now stand on the edges of faith where I’m faced with both doubt and fear. Doubt from constantly failing that I worry if I’ll ever be able to gain the success in that I’m working towards. Afraid that I lack the motivation to work any harder to gaining the success I’m seeking. Throw in the external bullshit that somes with just trying to live and find happiness it makes everything just that much harder because you have to deal with other peoples limitations and restrictions. Not to knock anyone as I’m aware that I, and I alone, am responsible for bring my dreams to fruition. Again, when I look back at the route taken to get to this point I have to question myself and my motivations for the negative results.
Stay or Jump?
This is the question facing me today as I take a deep dive into marvC aka Marvin Cummings. There’s no worse feeling than looking into yourself and feeling as though you have nothing to show for your efforts. In my mind I feel as though my sole purpose is to help bring change, empower, and help to renew. This is something I strive for in myself therefore I make it my charge to help activate it in others. Not to come across as some bible thumping hypocrit for I know where my challenges are as an individual. Therefore I opt to use the skills I feel I’ve been Blessed with to help create the platforms needed to bring about change. The work that goes into creating these platforms comsumes time and eats away at life therefore it comes with a price. Again this is nothing new as there’s work in everything so again I acknowledge the work. So again the question, stay or jump? Jump!
Why Jump? Why not Stay?
I jump because like I stated earlier it’s too late to turn back. Some people get to a point to where they get tired of failing at things and opt to go into different directions. After a while you get tired of falling as the more you fall the harder it is to pick yourself up and try again. This is where I’m at in that I’ve fallen harder than I’ve ever fallen; I’ve dusted myself off as much as I can, and I’m once again standing on the edge of “Faith” contemplating my next leap.
My Realization
It’s dark and tears blur my vision. I can feel the fires from the flames below and through the fires I can see images of both my past failures and successes. I close my eyes and can literally see me transitioning from the flame into this new creature. I throw my head back and let out a loud SCREAM but it goes unheard. Again I scream, and scream, and scream. I’m crying, it hurts so bad! Why! I ask. I fall to my knees, head in my hands. It makes no sense I say. My failures, they make so sense! Speak to me! Guide me! Show me the way! I yell again. Oh God! Oh God! Give me strength! A loud moan comes from within. My chest starts to rattle and I’m overcome with emotion. First comes hatred. Hatred towards all things leading me back to this place. Next comes sorrow and sadness for my own part in being here. Then comes happiness as I realize I’m not here to stay. I start to see light and I realize once again my plight. This isn’t where I’m suppose to be. I start to see through the hurt, anger, and sadness my successes. I see Love and Happiness. I see riches and glory. I see Salvation and Peace. So I jump! Once again I feel His Grace covering me as I hover. Once again my convictions and beliefs are strong! He’s shown me Mercy once again. And because of this I continue my journey.
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